When The Honeymoon Stage Is Over

    

Every relationship has a "honeymoon" phase in the beginning. That period where everything is new, young, and exciting. You talk more because you are getting to know each other. You can't wait to be with that person. You want to spend each of those precious waking moments together. You say sweet words of love, and even sometimes write them. You are flirty with each other. You dress to impress. You in a sense are yourself, only a better version. You even go to extremes most times of holding your bathroom duties until that person is not around. Crazy right?

    Then problems begin to arise as the walls begin to spurt windows. Suddenly you are in the sprawls of the cobra roll, corkscrew, pretzel knot, sidewinder of a rollercoaster. That sweet partner seems to have taken a jump backward and you feel as if you are balancing on a stress ball of unbalance and indecision. No more sweet notes are flowing from the other side. A want to spend more time with friends than with your partner begins to surface. The conversations turn to odd spouts of silence because you've learned so much about each other that it leaves less to fill the air space with. The dress many times turns to sweatpants and tees, and the flirting to discussing what you are having for your next meal. The sweet gestures and cuddles turn to opposite sides of the couch, and air freshener becomes a side-table staple in the bathroom. 

    The reality of it is there is not a quick fix. It's a commitment to integrity, humility, communication, connection, and a win-win for both of you. The further reality is that each one of us is VERY different people with VERY different perspectives, passions, personalities, and skillsets. All of this leaves plenty of room for TONS of obstacles that need to be overcome (on a daily basis) if you want ANY relationship to work. Its normally the commonalities that bring you together in the first place (Looks might attract, but a relationship is never fully based on this), but even they can't be the glue. 

   All things worth having, are things worth working for. You have to keep in mind those feelings you had that first month until you are 90+. Of course, keep the air freshener on hand, but the little things you did in the beginning, the ones that made that person feel special, are SO very important to continue and not throw to the wayside. The way you look at them, compliment them, take interest in their day, or what they are interested in is one of the most valuable things you can do for happiness with a partner. There are plenty of people on either side of the fence of happiness, and who are proof that no matter your circumstances, success is possible. The things that stop people on both sides? Excuses, commitment, patience, lack of personal responsibility, and attitude. Awesome news: you have control over all of those things. You get to decide. It does take two however to make that choice of commitment to the relationship. The first step is deciding if you have a partner that is willing and ready to go all the way with you in efforts to make your relationship something amazing. The reason it's called a "relation" ship is that two people pair up to support, love, and commit to one another. If it were only you then that ship would sail alone..and it does if one decides to forget and push aside all that was good in the beginning. The other partner will soon give up, and catch a sunset. 

Support is a start. A hug. A cup of coffee delivered to your desk. Ordering pizza for dinner. Taking the dogs for a walk. Doing the dishes when it's your turn. Taking the kids for ice cream when there's an important call that requires silence. Fist bumps. Encouragement. Moral Support. Mentioning to a coworker what the other does and trying to send a referral their way. No criticism. No passive aggression. No resentment. Open communication. Asking you how your day was. Being on the same team. Understanding. Another hug.

One problem that we face when we're starting something new is that we often want everyone to see things from our perspective, match our pace and live in our new world. That's most likely not how your eyes were opened and how you got involved. Don't expect that from your partner.

The key is to set YOUR pace and allow everyone else to progress at THEIR pace.

If you've been training for a marathon and your partner has been sitting on the couch, chances are they are much more likely to join in on a 2-mile jog than a 20-mile long run. 2 miles can turn into 3, and 3 can turn into 5, and so on and so forth.

That means that WE have to accept the support at its foundation if we expect the absolute pinnacle of support. It can look like anything. But these are planted seeds. They are gestures of love, kindness, support, understanding, patience, and encouragement - and if THESE seeds are not tended to, they won't grow into mighty pillars of support.

What's yours is theirs. This is pretty simple. If your partner bought a car or a house, would you appreciate if they called it theirs? If you and your partner had a pet, would you appreciate it if they called it theirs? If you and your partner had a child, would you appreciate it if they called it theirs? If your partner started a business, would you appreciate it if they called it theirs?

Change your pro-nouns from MINE to OURS. It's a simple, powerful statement that you're sending to your partner. What's mine are ours and I'm doing this for us... End of story.

Be direct and ask, be interested, and listen. If you want someone else to be open and understanding, you need to be open and understanding. In fact, you may need to demonstrate even more openness and understanding than usual to set the stage for this new season of your relationship. This has a positive impact on everything that the two of you share, but especially when it comes to change.

Have an open and direct dialogue. Tell them you care about their opinion, that you respect them and that you want to know their thoughts. Present the communication and connection TRIFECTA. What are your feelings? What are your fears? What are your needs?

This is not about figuring out how to navigate around their fears, feelings, or unanswered questions. This is about accepting their feelings and opinions as facts. They get to feel however they feel, and no one, including the person who loves them the most, should be allowed to take that from them. That doesn't mean that their feelings and opinions are your truth or THE truth.

Actively listen. Listen as if you have to repeat it back to them. Listen as if you have to do a presentation on their perspective. Your partner deserves that respect.

Don't try to combat their objections or their doubt. Listen to their thoughts, acknowledge them, truly be interested, and after every pause, wait an additional 15-30 seconds to see if there is more. Very often, we don't receive an open-ended platform or act as generous, fully- committed, willing receivers.

When THEY are finished, share your understanding of their concerns and discuss them in a fair way until you are on the same page. Acknowledge their needs, fears, and feelings, and commit to doing your part to meet their needs, overcome their fears, and honor their feelings - not discount or ignore them. It's a two-way street to keep the flow going, or you drive one way into the infinity of nothingness. 

Set goals and vision-cast together. When you're deeply connected to WHY you're doing something, you can endure almost anything. This is especially helpful when your partner couldn't care less about doing the things that you do, may not have an interest in your job/interests, or be able to jump in and lead the way that you can.

What your partner CAN do, is support your fight for the vision that both of you have for your future. The sooner you can include your partner in setting goals, dreaming big, casting vision and having the conversations about what you want your life to look like in all areas -- the deeper respect they will have for your commitment, the more pride they will take in your successes, the more encouragement they will give you in your failures, and the more support you'll have on a daily basis.

Speak to their strengths and watch for their interests. Each of you compiles a list of things you would like. Schedule a meeting with your partner in a setting that you both will appreciate. Do it over dinner, don't do it during a favorite TV show. Ask them when is a good time for them. Court them. Make it special. Create excitement. It's VERY important to understand that this is not a honey-do list. You are not your partner's personal assistant. They are not your personal assistant. You are PARTNERS. Take off your bossy pants and treat them the way you would like to be treated.

If you do this the right way, this is where the magic happens. You married your spouse because they are amazing, talented, smart and you love them. You also probably married someone who is very different from you, and that opposition usually makes for the very best partnerships. 

Presenting this list as an opportunity for them to simply LOOK at all of the things on your plate and ask if there is anything that you do that you could do differently, and vice versa. Let them see how much you value them. Treat them with honor, respect, appreciation, and patience. This leads me to....

Be their cheerleader, not their coach. You're not the boss. You're their champion. You can't hire and fire your spouse. You are two totally different people who agreed to do life together. You pledged for better or for worse. You're motivated by different things. You have different skill sets. You're 50/50. You have to sleep with them at night. You're in this together, so treat them as an extension of yourself, and be kind.

Last but not least, Divide and Conquer. This is the step that can make you unstoppable.
You know where your expertise is and where your passion catches fires. You know what your partner's skill set is and what makes them come alive. You've delegated everything else (or you have a goal and a vision too). That part is a perpetual work in progress. You are now becoming a true team. You are in your zone, they are in their zone, and you are now running as an efficient unit, utilizing everyone's strengths and producing the highest quality output that your team can muster. This is WINNING and SMART SUCCESS.

This is the last of 8 tips because this is the goal. It takes time, it takes vigilance, it takes patience and it takes revision. It's a process. You're not going to build a mansion in the first week of dropping off all of the building supplies, and you're not going to have everything perfectly delegated, divided, and conquered. Now here's the thing: divide and conquer, like many of these other points require constant communication, clarification, understanding, self-correcting, co-correction, patience, and forgiveness. You must ALWAYS pay attention and keep working on these things because just like success, you can't BUY IT. It's for lease, and the rent is due every single day. It could be, however, the most beautiful, fulfilling, amazing, life-giving house on the block - and you guys built it together. 

Remember those flutters that came about in the beginning. That desire to please. These things take both efforts. I will say that because men and women are wired so differently that when a man does those sweet sentimental things he did in the beginning,..the ones that won her heart...then he will most likely see a woman who returns it ten-fold. If a man loses interest in doing these sweet things, shows more interest in other things than his relationship, and stops those gestures of winning over her love, then the woman will stop as well. The team will be split and divided, and the WORLD will have conquered a potentially great thing. 

Want to set your relationship on fire? STAY in the honeymoon phase!! Strive to always be that better version of yourself as much as possible. 

Peace, M~