Being a Step-Parent
Being a Step-Parent can come with its own challenges. There is a bond between parent and child that is integrated from birth. The familiar smell, sound, touch, innate nature of genes that can be separated, and yet remain a glue of similarity. When a new figure comes into the equation it is a new smell, sound, touch, and different genes that both the new parent and child find awkward and can come with some resentment.
This dynamic is normally changed when parents divorce, but can also happen when a spouse dies and the other parent moves forward in their life. This is the first time being a step-parent for myself, and it was the latter circumstance that brought the relationship. Sometimes I wonder if it might be easier if it were divorce. I've heard some people mention having to deal with the former spouse, how two households can have two different sets of rules, and how a child can feel pulled between families. I have two daughters of my own, and we have made it work with the step-parent in their life, but I was never on the ball of this foot. I won't even pretend that it has been a home-run-hit-out-of-the-ballpark like I had false envisioned of in the beginning. I was normally the cool parent. My daughter's friends liked how I would jam my music in the car, and it was normally what they were listening to so I was hip (I was a young mom). I always dressed more hip and could play and talk to them as if an older friend as well, but also as a respected adult and parent.
When I came into my current relationship, I knew he had a daughter. I had these false illusions of grandeur that, though younger, she would finally have sisters having my girls around (though they are grown now), and they could help teach her things, and give her someone to hang out occasionally with, and talk to about girl stuff if she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about her personal growing-up issues.
Reality set-in soon after her father and I decided to move in together. As a step-parent, I didn't feel like I had the authority to parent as I had and do with my own girls. I sat and discussed my expectations of the house and chores, and let her know that I was there for her. Her mom hadn't been gone very long, and I felt animosity towards me. I never yelled, hit, or had been mean to her. I was perceived as mean however because I tried to impart a sense of responsibility, values, and morals, but the simple fact was I was the new female in her father's life. Was she EVER going to except me?
A year later, and a move later, she was scolded by her father (a rare thing), and decided to exert her retaliation by slicing on her wrist. It wasn't a deep cut as to commit suicide, because if that were what she wanted to do then that is what she would have done. It was an attention scream. An "I'll get you for scolding me for anything especially if it has to do with her" scream. I found out she had done this before we had even lived together so I felt it wasn't totally me. She misses her mom who was taken from her life due to cancer, and that much is understood. The problem is, I didn't know how to deal with that except to let her know that I was there for her if she ever needed to talk and that I still had to be a parent because life simply does not stop. Everyone is going to die someday, and life MUST move forward. My grandmother raised me and was taken from me way to soon. She was my mom (I wasn't raised by my mother and barely knew her) and my rock, but my life had to go on despite. I knew what it was to miss a person because of this. There were moments that I felt my stepdaughter and I would kid around and connect, but then I felt that push back in my face that was harsh in a very "no acceptance" way. I tried sitting down in girl-talk conversations and asking her opinion, and relayed expectations, and re-affirmed my being there. I may as well have been watching a cow pie on a flat rock when it came to responses or changes. I found out she had called me a Bitch, and told her friend "Destroy her" behind my back. She has tried things repeatedly that I feel are to break-up her father and me, and almost succeeded on several occasions. I found a therapist for her to talk to about the loss of her mom, her issues as a teen and feeling different, and her new home life. Her father and I are in on the front and back end of each of the sessions. Not much change happened with these sessions, and she now is wants to stop. Responsibilities aren't fulfilled.
This dynamic is normally changed when parents divorce, but can also happen when a spouse dies and the other parent moves forward in their life. This is the first time being a step-parent for myself, and it was the latter circumstance that brought the relationship. Sometimes I wonder if it might be easier if it were divorce. I've heard some people mention having to deal with the former spouse, how two households can have two different sets of rules, and how a child can feel pulled between families. I have two daughters of my own, and we have made it work with the step-parent in their life, but I was never on the ball of this foot. I won't even pretend that it has been a home-run-hit-out-of-the-ballpark like I had false envisioned of in the beginning. I was normally the cool parent. My daughter's friends liked how I would jam my music in the car, and it was normally what they were listening to so I was hip (I was a young mom). I always dressed more hip and could play and talk to them as if an older friend as well, but also as a respected adult and parent.
When I came into my current relationship, I knew he had a daughter. I had these false illusions of grandeur that, though younger, she would finally have sisters having my girls around (though they are grown now), and they could help teach her things, and give her someone to hang out occasionally with, and talk to about girl stuff if she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about her personal growing-up issues.
Reality set-in soon after her father and I decided to move in together. As a step-parent, I didn't feel like I had the authority to parent as I had and do with my own girls. I sat and discussed my expectations of the house and chores, and let her know that I was there for her. Her mom hadn't been gone very long, and I felt animosity towards me. I never yelled, hit, or had been mean to her. I was perceived as mean however because I tried to impart a sense of responsibility, values, and morals, but the simple fact was I was the new female in her father's life. Was she EVER going to except me?
A year later, and a move later, she was scolded by her father (a rare thing), and decided to exert her retaliation by slicing on her wrist. It wasn't a deep cut as to commit suicide, because if that were what she wanted to do then that is what she would have done. It was an attention scream. An "I'll get you for scolding me for anything especially if it has to do with her" scream. I found out she had done this before we had even lived together so I felt it wasn't totally me. She misses her mom who was taken from her life due to cancer, and that much is understood. The problem is, I didn't know how to deal with that except to let her know that I was there for her if she ever needed to talk and that I still had to be a parent because life simply does not stop. Everyone is going to die someday, and life MUST move forward. My grandmother raised me and was taken from me way to soon. She was my mom (I wasn't raised by my mother and barely knew her) and my rock, but my life had to go on despite. I knew what it was to miss a person because of this. There were moments that I felt my stepdaughter and I would kid around and connect, but then I felt that push back in my face that was harsh in a very "no acceptance" way. I tried sitting down in girl-talk conversations and asking her opinion, and relayed expectations, and re-affirmed my being there. I may as well have been watching a cow pie on a flat rock when it came to responses or changes. I found out she had called me a Bitch, and told her friend "Destroy her" behind my back. She has tried things repeatedly that I feel are to break-up her father and me, and almost succeeded on several occasions. I found a therapist for her to talk to about the loss of her mom, her issues as a teen and feeling different, and her new home life. Her father and I are in on the front and back end of each of the sessions. Not much change happened with these sessions, and she now is wants to stop. Responsibilities aren't fulfilled.
As said, there are challenges. I am sure that having your mom pass unexpectedly within a year at a young age, and having a new gal thrown into your life as a step-mom and new parental space in the home is not easy. I'm sure it is not the same to hug or receive a hug from an unfamiliar female who you know is new in your life and supposed to be a permanent staple. Being on the other end of that stick isn't easy either. I wish she could understand how the thinness of that switch feels when thrown back in your face. Her father and I fell in love. He told me he felt this happening when we were in art school together which was far before her mom's passing. I fell in love back, and after a short courting time and a marriage proposal from him, we decided to make a go of it. I didn't want to take her mom's place, but I had high hopes of being a mom here on earth for her, and us becoming a happy family. This hasn't been the case. When strides I feel are being made, then that switch flips back to smack me again. I feel blind-sided many times. It causes many issues between her father and me, and I feel this is just what she wants. What I do know as the adult in the situation is that you can't make someone love and care for you. One can only hope that time heals her wounds well enough to see that I am here if she needs me. That her father can be happy and have someone to still share life with if she can learn to see the reasons he chose his new wife and accept his choices. If she could realize that it's sad to not have her mom around anymore, but that she does have someone in her life again who is here to listen, guide, help, and be here for her. That even if her mom were still here there are still responsibilities as a parent to guide and discipline your child, and that at least she still has someone in her life who cares enough to do that.
Who knows what the future ever holds. This blog post wasn't about real solutions, though I wish I had them. It's more about understanding that no situation is always ideal. That it's a new experience and lesson in life thrown your way that continues to help you grow as a person. That we always have to look outside ourselves into someone else's feelings, but we still can't discard our own. That someone else in this tiny, though the seemingly large world, may be experiencing something similar to what you are in your own life. That, as I write this, and have been hurt by her repeatedly, I have not given up on her, and hope that perhaps one day she will come around to realize that she still has two parents in her life. I'm not her biological mom. I'm not here to replace her. I'm here to continue in the footsteps that she left behind because we all need that kind of love in our life. I hope she comes to realize that it won't diminish her own mom's memory or position as her mom. Just give her an extra one in her life. After-all, she says she has 3-4 dads, and her dad is still around. That's a whole other story though. So far I've dealt with lies, deception, intrusion, animosity, eye-rolls, back-talk, feeling left out, and manipulation. Somehow, I feel as if the end of my stick is much shorter. Perhaps that is why it hurts so much.
What are some issues you have had to deal with being a step-parent, and how have you handled them?
Comments
Post a Comment